Monday, November 29, 2010

Doubt, Depression, and D...?

Don't quit reading. It's gonna be a rambler, but hopefully a short one. And the writing message is... DREAM BIG. Don't give up on your dreams.

Friday, I spent all day going through my children's toys. I ended up with a bag of trash, and a bag of toys to donate. There are no toys in the living room now. All toys are organized into tubs and buckets and bins and shelves and boxes and bags, okay, okay, I know, you get the picture. Seriously. All day! Writing? ZERO! Christmas decorating? ZERO!

What about Saturday, you ask. Nope. ZILCH-O there, too. I spent all morning preparing for the party and last-minute cleaning. We ate. We partied. I cleaned. Then I went shopping. Got home at dinner time. Helped hubby prep living room for new paint job.

christmas fireplace stockingsSunday? ZIP... Went to church. Came home. Ate lunch. Talked about fireplaces, shelves, cabinets, paint, showers, rugs, and where to put the piece of furniture that started it all: my hubby's new gun safe. He had to have a place to put it. And while we're at it, we might as well paint the walls, too. Gosh! If I had known I would do all this, I'd have bought him a gun safe years ago. Then again, maybe not. I'm not really into home decorating. I like to keep it simple. The complexity of my mind makes up for the exterior of my simplicities. I don't even wear makeup (okay, maybe 4x a year).

And finally today. Writing? Decorating? Nope, nope, and nope. I worked for all day. Pizza and chips for dinner. And my entire pantry sprawled out all over my kitchen island!!! When hubby goes to do something, it's never simple! So now we have to buy new (sturdy) cabinets because he discovered current ones are collapsing from cheap backing and glue. Good thing we never got around to staining them. That would have been a an eventual waste of time, money, and effort.

And that's why I'm feeling doubt, depression, and disturbance about not decorating. My house is cluttered up because of a crazy painting project that's gonna take weeks instead of hours. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll even get to put up a Christmas tree. I feel like I have no time for anything. So right now, instead of writing or decorating, I'm blogging. Go figure. But I won a book today. Didn't even know it, but it came in the mail today. That was fun. And I have all of you, my online friends, who commented over the weekend and made me feel D-elighted!
sun decorative sun
Okay, I lied. It's not short. Pretend like you're reading in my journal. Anyway, the state of NC is going to lay off 5,000 more teachers next year. And since I'm a teacher as of December 2007, and I've never gotten a permanent job as of yet, I'm beginning to lose all hope that I ever will. Often I told myself that I'd honestly rather write anyway. But it's hard when doubt and depression creep in and try to wrestle my mood to the ground. I watched an hour of TV with my son. Like that's productive. I only watch TV when I'm depressed or when I'm looking forward to an awesome show (like LOST) with my hubby. I rarely watch it by myself.

I'm just happy I have a job at all right now. So I'm going to pick myself up off the floor and find the time and energy to do the things that make me happy. I even walked for twenty minutes each day for the last four mornings! Doubt and Depression don't mix. So just DREAM BIG instead... 


  1. Wow, Christie, that's a heavy one to get off your shoulders and your mind. You are right, don't doubt. Get yourself a tall glass of lemonade (assuming it's not too cold where you are), put your feet up, and dream on...
    If it's of any help, things could be much worse - which was what I told myself here:

  2. Grandpa's right: things can always be worse (though that's sometimes difficult to realise when your situation seems bad!)

    After all that I can say, well done for the walking you've done the past 4 mornings! Seriously, I TRULY believe exercise can make a huge difference in how you feel. Keep at it!

  3. Okay I laughed out loud about the whole gun safe = redecorating the house thing. Your husband sounds an awful lot like mine when he gets a bug to finally do something.

    I'm glad you're trying to stay on the bright side of things. We certainly didn't choose an easy career to try to break into, but I suppose that's what makes it rewarding in many ways.

    Also, lounging and watching TV is okay. Sometimes you just need to decompress. I watched all 6 Harry Potter movies in two weeks (while I was finishing my re-read of the last two books). Not a lot of writing got done, but I sure had fun!

  4. Wow Christie, you've got it all going on. Put your feet up and in a few weeks turn in into a decorating pb!

  5. Thanks for the kind words, ya'll. I'm not really depressed, but sometimes I get stressed and certainly doubt myself. And thanks, Catherine, for another PB idea!

  6. You have what it takes, Christie. I believe!

  7. Thanks, Clara. It does feel nice to have people believe in me.

  8. Christie, just know that you are not alone! Lately I've been wrestling with periodic bursts of paralyzation wherein it's all I can do to get a load of laundry from point a to point b (and I usually kind of LIKE doing the laundry!) I don't think I ever got caught up from the time change and less "time in the day". Could that be a factor for you? I am right now going through my house trying to simplify my life. I feel like all I do is feed people 24/7 and pick up toys! We may go on an all fruit and cereal diet for a while. ;-)

    You most certainly CAN do any durn thing you set your mind to. Just remember that these feelings are natural and, more importantly, cyclical. Heck, this only means that great things are on the way! xo


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